Life, Stress, a Destination Wedding and the Foo Fighters....

Have you ever wonder how you got where you are? Where the hell the time went? Oh, and most importantly is there enough time left to do what you really want to do?

I mean seriously Fuck has become my favorite word. I live a life much like Ground Hog's Day. Alarm goes off. I hit snooze. One hit on a workout day and many hits on a "Please dear universe let me hit the lottery" day. Once I pull myself from the sliver of a bed where I sleep (Have you ever tried sleeping with a 6'2" 220 lb plus man? I am lucky to have a sliver.)and my feet hit the ground the real world comes at me screaming like a brigade of bitches on the rag.

Before my eyes are even fully opened the dog is whining to get pet, walked or just because she needs "mommy time" at 11 1/2 years old she is more demanding then she was as a puppy. My husband (still sleeping) is muttering off a to do list and my hands are reaching for my Blackberry to see which client is going to die because their Internet didn't work at 3 AM. DAMN WORLD ~ I JUST NEED A SHOWER AND SOME COFFEE!

Once all demands are met and I am showered and somewhat presentable (most likely with no coffee yet- just a hit of left over Pepsi from a party months before) I begin my daily sludge to work. Brightened mostly by the Foo Fighters (or on other days The Beatles (White Album only), Live, Verve Pipe or some random rock band's greatest hits CD) I sit in traffic that anyone in New Jersey has come to know.. the only State in the union where a 20 minute drive takes 90 minutes... due mostly to the fact that no one in Jersey knows how to drive.

When I finally get to work (free coffee YAY) I begin a day of getting my self-esteem trampled. Clients call to say how my company sucks. Bosses (no matter how high my numbers and they have been HIGH this year) complain about my numbers and my co-workers and I complain about our jobs. Actually, I love my co-workers without them I would be a crazy cat (dog) lady by now. This goes on and on either at my desk or on the road until 5,6, and one time on a FRIDAY 10 pm. Then it is off to the gym or home on a good day or happy hour with the beloved co-workers or happy hour at home on a "Dear Universe please let me hit the lottery" day.

That is just the "life" part of my life. The stress comes from job (see above), aging parents, three mortgages, an aging dog, and fertility treatments that leave me feeling slightly abused EVERY SINGLE TIME. I could go on but my hands are tingling (must see heart doctor) and my chest just tightened.

Then as life seems to do, even in the most mundane hours, happy events creep in. A good friend falls in love and gets engaged. Another friend gets pregnant. A sweet co-worker falls for a terrific guy. My husband tells me I am beautiful after I cleaned the house with my glasses on (I either think you are blind or the greatest guy ever...results still pending). Then sometimes there are things that make life and stress roll away. I will always count my "girls night" as one of these but in November I have two AWESOME events.

Event number 1. Two very cool friends getting married in Jamaica!!!!!!! Not only do we get to go and see them and their coolness.. we get to hang with my BF and her husband and a select other totally cool people. Going to paradise with friends to see friends get married???????? I seriously may explode from the joy. Not to mention my handsome honey with at tan??? Well a deeper shade of pink anyway, HOT! I have a countdown going on. Seriously. I NEED THIS! Plus I have a soft spot for these two. I would say I love them, but that would give them a big head..so lets just say "I am so happy for you two super cool people"!

Then just two days after our return, just two days... I see the Foo Fighters live. For 17 years I have wanted to see Dave Grohl in his rock god state and it is happening!!!! YES, the band that has gotten me through almost every morning of my life (not to mention "Times Like These" which may have single handily got me through the end of my first marriage). I am in Foo Fighters obsession mode right now. Watching their documentary non-stop and prancing around in my Dave Grohl shirt. Do I sound like I am sixteen? Probably, but did you read a description of my life above???

OK, I am not all that shallow. A few days ago I woke up on the couch with my geriatric dog's paw around my neck. "Hey girl," I said. Her reply a small lick on the cheek and a growl of contentment. Sometimes it is the small moments combined with the large that make this stupid life worth living.

Who deserves to be a mommy?

Another baby gone. Thankfully I did not know I was pregnant this time.

So I have a question? Who deserves to be a mommy? I love my Godson without hesitation and without pretense. I love my beautiful niece beyond explanation and reason. Yet, I cannot hold onto a pregnancy to save my life.

I have had contractions with no baby to hold afterwards. I have seen my husband cry in pain, but still no child to call his own. My breasts are so damned big they are ridiculous- amazing how every part of my body shrinks back unless it is my face, boobs and belly.

Why not me? Why not my best, wonderful and loving friend.. who can't get pregnant. Why these people who don't even seem to like their kids?????

I am great at my job. I have a husband that is ridicously perfect. My friends and family.. while extended and disfunctional-- are amazing. Why can I not do the one thing women were put on this earth to do?

So I play mommy with my dog and all the wonderful people I am blessed to know. Yet, my body longs for a baby to love. A baby to cuddle and protect.

So once again... I am trying to figure it all out. But, I leave with one question. If I am strong enough to have a miscarriage through a meeting and still keep presenting... Aren't I strong enough to actually have a baby?????

Friends

I have different groups of friends. But, sometimes I have the friends who count. They do not judge. They do not cast blame. Much like my husband - they love me as is.

I know people look at me and think I have a ton of friends - I do not. I have a lot of people I like. In reality, I like everyone. I wish I was as tough as I act, but I am not. I see good in everyone. Lucky for me I am also very aware of the traits that create a good friend. I would like to say I figured this all out on my own, but I have not... my friends have taught me. So here are the guidelines (12 rules)of being a wonderful friend. Thank you girls (and guys) you know who you are...

1)Never judge... just be with each other when bad decisions show their ugly head.
2)Be happy when your friend is happy... it should come pretty easy.
3)Be sad when your friend is sad.
4)Laugh a lot. Cry a little and be ready to pull out a pistol in defense!
5) Never say ANYTHING behind a freind's back- that you would not say to their face.
6) Share each other... you make more friends that way ;)
7) Love your friends weaknesses as much as their strengths... if not they would not be them.
8) Love the men (women) in their life- no matter how hard it is to do so!
9) Realize they will not react to any given situation the way you do - it is what makes them - them and you - you.
10) Abolish the word SELFISH from your dictionary.
11) Don't be jealous - it is needy and ugly
12) Live, laugh and love...............