It is so easy to love each other most of the time. We have a calm home, a similar sense of humor and a large group of friends and family to keep us smiling. It is also easy to grow restless. To question what we have. To realize our family of two is so small and oh so fragile and that there is nothing but our loyalty and love keeping us together. Yet we choose to keep on this path together. Sharing ups and downs, but more often than not sharing the happy, simple life we have built.
Then the fates change quickly and I am laying in an E.R. hearing words like pulmonary embolism and obstructed airways being thrown. Feeling like a specimen or subject matter not a human being scared and struggling to breathe. But, there is you. Your hand clasped in mine. Your eyes silently telling me “it will all be okay”.
You stay there ~never leaving for more than an hour or so. Making sure I eat and drink. You keep me calm, through every needle stuck in my skin and every procedure done too quickly and without much explanation. Not leaving any time open for doubt and fear to creep in and hinder me from getting well.
Our friends and family rally to call and visit. Brush my hair and bring me flowers. But, they all leave. Go back to their homes and families. Not you. Never you. You sleep on a makeshift hospital bed. You wake up every time I stir. Make me laugh at silly jokes and reassure me though my lifestyle forever changed by this series of events, will go on.
Then there is me. I watch you through a haze of tubes and medicine, and worry about you. Worry about your back and sleeping on that makeshift hospital bed. Worry about the exhaustion etched into your face. Urging you to take a day to yourself or at least go home and sleep. Although I am scared to be alone, I am more worried about you. I feel sad, because you feel sad. But you will not leave me. Rather, I go through testing and pain, not as a single entity, but as one half of a pair.
I think of our happier times like our wedding and numerous vacations. I always thought that I could never love you like I did then. How wrong I was. That last night in the hospital when my one of my stressed veins collapsed and there was blood squirting everywhere. Most of the blood was on you. Because, without hesitating, each time the vein burst you clasped your hands around my arm and stopped the blood. How I couldn’t sleep that night for fear it would happen again and I would bleed out. Every single time my eyes snapped open. There you were. Watching over me. In those moments I experienced a love that I did not even know existed outside of parental love. An unconditional love that I will spend the rest of my days trying happily to return.
When I am finally released and able to go home, you are still beside me. Never critical of the tears I can’t seem to stop whether they are of the happy or fearful variety. My best friend and parents shepherd me home as well, but they aren’t there late at night. Because it is at night, that I am too scared to sleep. Entrenched in a fear that my oxygen supply will dip again or another vein will collapse. It is you again. Rubbing my forehead and promising that nothing will happen to me under your watch. Looking at me like I am the most beautiful woman on earth, not like the bruised and greasy shadow of a person that I know I look like.
I can never thank you enough for your love. I can never thank God enough for bring us together. What I can do is love you with my whole heart and continue to forage into this world together. Our relationship may be calm and easy, but life is not. And we are strong enough to get through it all together.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
That darned kitten...
I have never understood why I like animals more than people. Note I did not say "love" but I defintely like animals more.
That being said, I am not a cat person. I can pick up a pet rat or iguana without flinching, but cats, well lets just say they have never been my favorite. In fact I can remember saying not too long ago "I don't hate cats, for instance I wouldn't run one over with my car."
I mean lets face it. I have danced with, ridden and kissed dolphins. I got to "speak" to a Manatee years and years ago. I have had a constant dog companion since my first dog Buster (who was around WAY before me). I have had a Parakeet named Tweety that not only sang but also talked. Tweety's favorite line was "Cindy is a bad girl, baaadd girl," shrieked to my poodle Cinderella at the time who would (upon hearing those words) growl snap and try to attack the bird through it's cage.
But, a cat? Those aloof creatures who stare at humans in a way that I stare at 20-year-old drunk girls? Not my thing. I can get guarded disdain from humans, I do not need to take an animal into my life, home and heart and get a purr for a thank you. Once again, not my thing.
That all changed one overcast September day. It was about two months before that my husband and I decided that my dog (trust me she is my dog) Carlie would never learn to love another canine friend. We had tried to introduce her to rescues and walk her through those grand dog supermarkets, but my loving mutt would just snarl and show her teeth. My "baby-fail" body had me distressed and we thought another dog would do the trick. Carlie had grown up with other dogs, but at 11 1/2 she was long passed loving canines. So, my husband and I decided to just be thankful for our little family as frail as it was.
But that day, that damned gray day, a kitten came into my life. We found her outside of work. Shivering and shaking in the rain. She was the size of my hand. I rolled my eyes at the "kitten rescue" but some where inside me I knew to grab our promotional golf towels and that the warmth would stop her from hissing and clawing. That being said. I never meant to bring her home.
But holding her in those first few moments, I knew I was sunk. Her heartbeat calmed in my arms. Her big alien eyes locked onto mine in the way only an animal lover can understand. Eyes that scream "I choose you" without making a sound.
I lied to my husband and said we would only have her until she found a home. But, he knew as I did ~ this alien kitten already had one. At only a few ounces, my favorite pictures of her are in my former football player/ Coastguard husband's arms. By week two we (including the dog) were all in love with her.
So Miss "Daisy; Daisy BeJulJay; Daisy Doodle; Doodle Bug; Crackhead Kitten; Skidabeep; or as we all know her "the Doodles" has adjusted well. She is "fixed" and weighs seven pounds. She has none of the cat diseases I feared. Miss Doodles also follows me from room to room. Meows when she wants my affection and refuses to walk down the steps (why walk when you have a mommy like me who wants to carry you). Oh, and those looks of disdain are saved for strangers, because she never shows them around our little fragile family ~ she fits right in.
As an afterthought, I begged God for a child the night before Daisy came home. Now I do believe God always answers our prayers, just not in the way we expect.
And P.S. I think I think actually love animals more than people :)
That being said, I am not a cat person. I can pick up a pet rat or iguana without flinching, but cats, well lets just say they have never been my favorite. In fact I can remember saying not too long ago "I don't hate cats, for instance I wouldn't run one over with my car."
I mean lets face it. I have danced with, ridden and kissed dolphins. I got to "speak" to a Manatee years and years ago. I have had a constant dog companion since my first dog Buster (who was around WAY before me). I have had a Parakeet named Tweety that not only sang but also talked. Tweety's favorite line was "Cindy is a bad girl, baaadd girl," shrieked to my poodle Cinderella at the time who would (upon hearing those words) growl snap and try to attack the bird through it's cage.
But, a cat? Those aloof creatures who stare at humans in a way that I stare at 20-year-old drunk girls? Not my thing. I can get guarded disdain from humans, I do not need to take an animal into my life, home and heart and get a purr for a thank you. Once again, not my thing.
That all changed one overcast September day. It was about two months before that my husband and I decided that my dog (trust me she is my dog) Carlie would never learn to love another canine friend. We had tried to introduce her to rescues and walk her through those grand dog supermarkets, but my loving mutt would just snarl and show her teeth. My "baby-fail" body had me distressed and we thought another dog would do the trick. Carlie had grown up with other dogs, but at 11 1/2 she was long passed loving canines. So, my husband and I decided to just be thankful for our little family as frail as it was.
But that day, that damned gray day, a kitten came into my life. We found her outside of work. Shivering and shaking in the rain. She was the size of my hand. I rolled my eyes at the "kitten rescue" but some where inside me I knew to grab our promotional golf towels and that the warmth would stop her from hissing and clawing. That being said. I never meant to bring her home.
But holding her in those first few moments, I knew I was sunk. Her heartbeat calmed in my arms. Her big alien eyes locked onto mine in the way only an animal lover can understand. Eyes that scream "I choose you" without making a sound.
I lied to my husband and said we would only have her until she found a home. But, he knew as I did ~ this alien kitten already had one. At only a few ounces, my favorite pictures of her are in my former football player/ Coastguard husband's arms. By week two we (including the dog) were all in love with her.
So Miss "Daisy; Daisy BeJulJay; Daisy Doodle; Doodle Bug; Crackhead Kitten; Skidabeep; or as we all know her "the Doodles" has adjusted well. She is "fixed" and weighs seven pounds. She has none of the cat diseases I feared. Miss Doodles also follows me from room to room. Meows when she wants my affection and refuses to walk down the steps (why walk when you have a mommy like me who wants to carry you). Oh, and those looks of disdain are saved for strangers, because she never shows them around our little fragile family ~ she fits right in.
As an afterthought, I begged God for a child the night before Daisy came home. Now I do believe God always answers our prayers, just not in the way we expect.
And P.S. I think I think actually love animals more than people :)
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Life, Stress, a Destination Wedding and the Foo Fighters....
Have you ever wonder how you got where you are? Where the hell the time went? Oh, and most importantly is there enough time left to do what you really want to do?
I mean seriously Fuck has become my favorite word. I live a life much like Ground Hog's Day. Alarm goes off. I hit snooze. One hit on a workout day and many hits on a "Please dear universe let me hit the lottery" day. Once I pull myself from the sliver of a bed where I sleep (Have you ever tried sleeping with a 6'2" 220 lb plus man? I am lucky to have a sliver.)and my feet hit the ground the real world comes at me screaming like a brigade of bitches on the rag.
Before my eyes are even fully opened the dog is whining to get pet, walked or just because she needs "mommy time" at 11 1/2 years old she is more demanding then she was as a puppy. My husband (still sleeping) is muttering off a to do list and my hands are reaching for my Blackberry to see which client is going to die because their Internet didn't work at 3 AM. DAMN WORLD ~ I JUST NEED A SHOWER AND SOME COFFEE!
Once all demands are met and I am showered and somewhat presentable (most likely with no coffee yet- just a hit of left over Pepsi from a party months before) I begin my daily sludge to work. Brightened mostly by the Foo Fighters (or on other days The Beatles (White Album only), Live, Verve Pipe or some random rock band's greatest hits CD) I sit in traffic that anyone in New Jersey has come to know.. the only State in the union where a 20 minute drive takes 90 minutes... due mostly to the fact that no one in Jersey knows how to drive.
When I finally get to work (free coffee YAY) I begin a day of getting my self-esteem trampled. Clients call to say how my company sucks. Bosses (no matter how high my numbers and they have been HIGH this year) complain about my numbers and my co-workers and I complain about our jobs. Actually, I love my co-workers without them I would be a crazy cat (dog) lady by now. This goes on and on either at my desk or on the road until 5,6, and one time on a FRIDAY 10 pm. Then it is off to the gym or home on a good day or happy hour with the beloved co-workers or happy hour at home on a "Dear Universe please let me hit the lottery" day.
That is just the "life" part of my life. The stress comes from job (see above), aging parents, three mortgages, an aging dog, and fertility treatments that leave me feeling slightly abused EVERY SINGLE TIME. I could go on but my hands are tingling (must see heart doctor) and my chest just tightened.
Then as life seems to do, even in the most mundane hours, happy events creep in. A good friend falls in love and gets engaged. Another friend gets pregnant. A sweet co-worker falls for a terrific guy. My husband tells me I am beautiful after I cleaned the house with my glasses on (I either think you are blind or the greatest guy ever...results still pending). Then sometimes there are things that make life and stress roll away. I will always count my "girls night" as one of these but in November I have two AWESOME events.
Event number 1. Two very cool friends getting married in Jamaica!!!!!!! Not only do we get to go and see them and their coolness.. we get to hang with my BF and her husband and a select other totally cool people. Going to paradise with friends to see friends get married???????? I seriously may explode from the joy. Not to mention my handsome honey with at tan??? Well a deeper shade of pink anyway, HOT! I have a countdown going on. Seriously. I NEED THIS! Plus I have a soft spot for these two. I would say I love them, but that would give them a big head..so lets just say "I am so happy for you two super cool people"!
Then just two days after our return, just two days... I see the Foo Fighters live. For 17 years I have wanted to see Dave Grohl in his rock god state and it is happening!!!! YES, the band that has gotten me through almost every morning of my life (not to mention "Times Like These" which may have single handily got me through the end of my first marriage). I am in Foo Fighters obsession mode right now. Watching their documentary non-stop and prancing around in my Dave Grohl shirt. Do I sound like I am sixteen? Probably, but did you read a description of my life above???
OK, I am not all that shallow. A few days ago I woke up on the couch with my geriatric dog's paw around my neck. "Hey girl," I said. Her reply a small lick on the cheek and a growl of contentment. Sometimes it is the small moments combined with the large that make this stupid life worth living.
I mean seriously Fuck has become my favorite word. I live a life much like Ground Hog's Day. Alarm goes off. I hit snooze. One hit on a workout day and many hits on a "Please dear universe let me hit the lottery" day. Once I pull myself from the sliver of a bed where I sleep (Have you ever tried sleeping with a 6'2" 220 lb plus man? I am lucky to have a sliver.)and my feet hit the ground the real world comes at me screaming like a brigade of bitches on the rag.
Before my eyes are even fully opened the dog is whining to get pet, walked or just because she needs "mommy time" at 11 1/2 years old she is more demanding then she was as a puppy. My husband (still sleeping) is muttering off a to do list and my hands are reaching for my Blackberry to see which client is going to die because their Internet didn't work at 3 AM. DAMN WORLD ~ I JUST NEED A SHOWER AND SOME COFFEE!
Once all demands are met and I am showered and somewhat presentable (most likely with no coffee yet- just a hit of left over Pepsi from a party months before) I begin my daily sludge to work. Brightened mostly by the Foo Fighters (or on other days The Beatles (White Album only), Live, Verve Pipe or some random rock band's greatest hits CD) I sit in traffic that anyone in New Jersey has come to know.. the only State in the union where a 20 minute drive takes 90 minutes... due mostly to the fact that no one in Jersey knows how to drive.
When I finally get to work (free coffee YAY) I begin a day of getting my self-esteem trampled. Clients call to say how my company sucks. Bosses (no matter how high my numbers and they have been HIGH this year) complain about my numbers and my co-workers and I complain about our jobs. Actually, I love my co-workers without them I would be a crazy cat (dog) lady by now. This goes on and on either at my desk or on the road until 5,6, and one time on a FRIDAY 10 pm. Then it is off to the gym or home on a good day or happy hour with the beloved co-workers or happy hour at home on a "Dear Universe please let me hit the lottery" day.
That is just the "life" part of my life. The stress comes from job (see above), aging parents, three mortgages, an aging dog, and fertility treatments that leave me feeling slightly abused EVERY SINGLE TIME. I could go on but my hands are tingling (must see heart doctor) and my chest just tightened.
Then as life seems to do, even in the most mundane hours, happy events creep in. A good friend falls in love and gets engaged. Another friend gets pregnant. A sweet co-worker falls for a terrific guy. My husband tells me I am beautiful after I cleaned the house with my glasses on (I either think you are blind or the greatest guy ever...results still pending). Then sometimes there are things that make life and stress roll away. I will always count my "girls night" as one of these but in November I have two AWESOME events.
Event number 1. Two very cool friends getting married in Jamaica!!!!!!! Not only do we get to go and see them and their coolness.. we get to hang with my BF and her husband and a select other totally cool people. Going to paradise with friends to see friends get married???????? I seriously may explode from the joy. Not to mention my handsome honey with at tan??? Well a deeper shade of pink anyway, HOT! I have a countdown going on. Seriously. I NEED THIS! Plus I have a soft spot for these two. I would say I love them, but that would give them a big head..so lets just say "I am so happy for you two super cool people"!
Then just two days after our return, just two days... I see the Foo Fighters live. For 17 years I have wanted to see Dave Grohl in his rock god state and it is happening!!!! YES, the band that has gotten me through almost every morning of my life (not to mention "Times Like These" which may have single handily got me through the end of my first marriage). I am in Foo Fighters obsession mode right now. Watching their documentary non-stop and prancing around in my Dave Grohl shirt. Do I sound like I am sixteen? Probably, but did you read a description of my life above???
OK, I am not all that shallow. A few days ago I woke up on the couch with my geriatric dog's paw around my neck. "Hey girl," I said. Her reply a small lick on the cheek and a growl of contentment. Sometimes it is the small moments combined with the large that make this stupid life worth living.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Who deserves to be a mommy?
Another baby gone. Thankfully I did not know I was pregnant this time.
So I have a question? Who deserves to be a mommy? I love my Godson without hesitation and without pretense. I love my beautiful niece beyond explanation and reason. Yet, I cannot hold onto a pregnancy to save my life.
I have had contractions with no baby to hold afterwards. I have seen my husband cry in pain, but still no child to call his own. My breasts are so damned big they are ridiculous- amazing how every part of my body shrinks back unless it is my face, boobs and belly.
Why not me? Why not my best, wonderful and loving friend.. who can't get pregnant. Why these people who don't even seem to like their kids?????
I am great at my job. I have a husband that is ridicously perfect. My friends and family.. while extended and disfunctional-- are amazing. Why can I not do the one thing women were put on this earth to do?
So I play mommy with my dog and all the wonderful people I am blessed to know. Yet, my body longs for a baby to love. A baby to cuddle and protect.
So once again... I am trying to figure it all out. But, I leave with one question. If I am strong enough to have a miscarriage through a meeting and still keep presenting... Aren't I strong enough to actually have a baby?????
So I have a question? Who deserves to be a mommy? I love my Godson without hesitation and without pretense. I love my beautiful niece beyond explanation and reason. Yet, I cannot hold onto a pregnancy to save my life.
I have had contractions with no baby to hold afterwards. I have seen my husband cry in pain, but still no child to call his own. My breasts are so damned big they are ridiculous- amazing how every part of my body shrinks back unless it is my face, boobs and belly.
Why not me? Why not my best, wonderful and loving friend.. who can't get pregnant. Why these people who don't even seem to like their kids?????
I am great at my job. I have a husband that is ridicously perfect. My friends and family.. while extended and disfunctional-- are amazing. Why can I not do the one thing women were put on this earth to do?
So I play mommy with my dog and all the wonderful people I am blessed to know. Yet, my body longs for a baby to love. A baby to cuddle and protect.
So once again... I am trying to figure it all out. But, I leave with one question. If I am strong enough to have a miscarriage through a meeting and still keep presenting... Aren't I strong enough to actually have a baby?????
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Friends
I have different groups of friends. But, sometimes I have the friends who count. They do not judge. They do not cast blame. Much like my husband - they love me as is.
I know people look at me and think I have a ton of friends - I do not. I have a lot of people I like. In reality, I like everyone. I wish I was as tough as I act, but I am not. I see good in everyone. Lucky for me I am also very aware of the traits that create a good friend. I would like to say I figured this all out on my own, but I have not... my friends have taught me. So here are the guidelines (12 rules)of being a wonderful friend. Thank you girls (and guys) you know who you are...
1)Never judge... just be with each other when bad decisions show their ugly head.
2)Be happy when your friend is happy... it should come pretty easy.
3)Be sad when your friend is sad.
4)Laugh a lot. Cry a little and be ready to pull out a pistol in defense!
5) Never say ANYTHING behind a freind's back- that you would not say to their face.
6) Share each other... you make more friends that way ;)
7) Love your friends weaknesses as much as their strengths... if not they would not be them.
8) Love the men (women) in their life- no matter how hard it is to do so!
9) Realize they will not react to any given situation the way you do - it is what makes them - them and you - you.
10) Abolish the word SELFISH from your dictionary.
11) Don't be jealous - it is needy and ugly
12) Live, laugh and love...............
I know people look at me and think I have a ton of friends - I do not. I have a lot of people I like. In reality, I like everyone. I wish I was as tough as I act, but I am not. I see good in everyone. Lucky for me I am also very aware of the traits that create a good friend. I would like to say I figured this all out on my own, but I have not... my friends have taught me. So here are the guidelines (12 rules)of being a wonderful friend. Thank you girls (and guys) you know who you are...
1)Never judge... just be with each other when bad decisions show their ugly head.
2)Be happy when your friend is happy... it should come pretty easy.
3)Be sad when your friend is sad.
4)Laugh a lot. Cry a little and be ready to pull out a pistol in defense!
5) Never say ANYTHING behind a freind's back- that you would not say to their face.
6) Share each other... you make more friends that way ;)
7) Love your friends weaknesses as much as their strengths... if not they would not be them.
8) Love the men (women) in their life- no matter how hard it is to do so!
9) Realize they will not react to any given situation the way you do - it is what makes them - them and you - you.
10) Abolish the word SELFISH from your dictionary.
11) Don't be jealous - it is needy and ugly
12) Live, laugh and love...............
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Because you don't have children..
I am in rant mode again. I am really sick of the women who think they should be canonized because they have children. This in NO WAY is a bad reflection on all the wonderful mommies that I know. Rather, a rant against the women who think by rite of a birth or five that they are somehow better than the single women, partnered women and married women who do not have, cannot have or simply choose not to have children.
There are many women like me out there. I am married for the second time, work mad,long hours and yet still find time to take care of my home, my husband and my wonder mutt. I cook from scratch. I enjoy long workouts. I volunteer and pay my taxes. Yet, somehow these "madonnas" feel that I live in some sort of extended adolescence because I do not, as of yet, have a child.
Well, I also have not been dependent on a man since my father. I have owned three (soon to be four) homes which came from little else than my hard work and savings. I have gone on vacations, done home repairs, paid for a second wedding (and honeymoon), and bought the clothes on my own back ALL ON MY OWN. But my life is somehow easier because "I don't have children."
I do not contend that children are easy and I do know from those loving mommies around me that it is indeed a job, but before the mommy mafia comes after me- it also a great privilege, but to hear some women speak, and in many cases the same women who's husbands pay for their mortgage and car, they are a step behind Mother Teresa because of how hard it is to have children.
It is funny to me because I have seen a single mother (God Bless you all) work her hands to the bone and raise a wonderful child with a silent determination that shows me I am not half the woman that she is. I saw a divorced mother slowly introduce her
children to the new man in her life and marveled at her integrity and deep concern she had for her children's well being. I have seen my cousin everyday work hours much like mine yet still have so much energy and love for her son, but have little to no time for herself. I saw a childhood friend balance work and family around her son's battle with cancer. Which, in my opinion, catapults her from a wonderful mother to hero status. Yet, none of these women or any of my beautiful mommy friends have ever demeaned me or looked down upon me as being anything less than them because of my childless status.
Yes, many of the women previously mentioned do realize that this is not my choice, but they are so busy being good mothers that I do not think that makes a difference. They do not view motherhood as an entrance into a secret sorority, rather they look at is as a blessing.
And what if it is a choice? What if some women do not see themselves as maternal or lead lives/ have careers that are not conducive to having children. Should they not be applauded for living independent lives? I mean lets face it we all know women (not to mention seen women on the news) who SHOULD NOT have ever had a child. Are they somehow better than the childless women in this world? I have been a strong single woman and continue to be a strong married woman who would rather live on crackers than ask my husband to loan me twenty dollars. Does this make me weak?
So the next time these "type" of mothers sit themselves down in their husband's chair
in their husband's home and feel the need to vent to another of their own pod
about how women like me have the life-- I ask instead that they have a moment of mercy and send their cleaning lady my way - my chapped, tired and very independent hands could use a break!
There are many women like me out there. I am married for the second time, work mad,long hours and yet still find time to take care of my home, my husband and my wonder mutt. I cook from scratch. I enjoy long workouts. I volunteer and pay my taxes. Yet, somehow these "madonnas" feel that I live in some sort of extended adolescence because I do not, as of yet, have a child.
Well, I also have not been dependent on a man since my father. I have owned three (soon to be four) homes which came from little else than my hard work and savings. I have gone on vacations, done home repairs, paid for a second wedding (and honeymoon), and bought the clothes on my own back ALL ON MY OWN. But my life is somehow easier because "I don't have children."
I do not contend that children are easy and I do know from those loving mommies around me that it is indeed a job, but before the mommy mafia comes after me- it also a great privilege, but to hear some women speak, and in many cases the same women who's husbands pay for their mortgage and car, they are a step behind Mother Teresa because of how hard it is to have children.
It is funny to me because I have seen a single mother (God Bless you all) work her hands to the bone and raise a wonderful child with a silent determination that shows me I am not half the woman that she is. I saw a divorced mother slowly introduce her
children to the new man in her life and marveled at her integrity and deep concern she had for her children's well being. I have seen my cousin everyday work hours much like mine yet still have so much energy and love for her son, but have little to no time for herself. I saw a childhood friend balance work and family around her son's battle with cancer. Which, in my opinion, catapults her from a wonderful mother to hero status. Yet, none of these women or any of my beautiful mommy friends have ever demeaned me or looked down upon me as being anything less than them because of my childless status.
Yes, many of the women previously mentioned do realize that this is not my choice, but they are so busy being good mothers that I do not think that makes a difference. They do not view motherhood as an entrance into a secret sorority, rather they look at is as a blessing.
And what if it is a choice? What if some women do not see themselves as maternal or lead lives/ have careers that are not conducive to having children. Should they not be applauded for living independent lives? I mean lets face it we all know women (not to mention seen women on the news) who SHOULD NOT have ever had a child. Are they somehow better than the childless women in this world? I have been a strong single woman and continue to be a strong married woman who would rather live on crackers than ask my husband to loan me twenty dollars. Does this make me weak?
So the next time these "type" of mothers sit themselves down in their husband's chair
in their husband's home and feel the need to vent to another of their own pod
about how women like me have the life-- I ask instead that they have a moment of mercy and send their cleaning lady my way - my chapped, tired and very independent hands could use a break!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Just a dog...
From the moment her big sad eyes met mine - I could think of nothing else, but taking her home with me. She was a medium sized mutt. She had matted hair. I could feel her ribs when I pet her, but somehow I knew she belonged to me and I belonged to her.
But she is just a dog...
I suffered through her running away from home the first night (her emancipated frame fit right through my ornate fence); She destroyed three luxorious comforters; she managed to eat just one of each pair of my expensive shoes.
But she is just a dog....
She shrunk from my touch. She would not eat until I left the room. She growled and twitched and cried in her sleep.
But she is just a dog....
She let me pet her. She waited for me to come home. She dealt with foster dogs and permanent dogs. She kissed my face in the morning.
But she is just a dog.
She left my home with me. She forced me to function. She taught me to love outside myself.
But she is just a dog.
I switched jobs and homes. I fell in and out of love (like). I cried myself to sleep and she laid with me.
But she is just a dog.
I fell in love for keeps. She fell in love too (well accepted it). She comforted me through fears of rejection.
But she is just a dog.
Her walk became forced. Her skin began to flake. Her breathing became labored.
But she is just a dog.
I lost a loved one. I lost a baby. I cried with my husband with her head on my lap.
But she is just a dog.
I lay down and rest my busy head and she lays next to me. She grunts and she sighs. She feels my pain as I feel hers.
She isn't just a dog. She is my heart, my teacher, my child and my love.
But you say she is just a dog.
But she is just a dog...
I suffered through her running away from home the first night (her emancipated frame fit right through my ornate fence); She destroyed three luxorious comforters; she managed to eat just one of each pair of my expensive shoes.
But she is just a dog....
She shrunk from my touch. She would not eat until I left the room. She growled and twitched and cried in her sleep.
But she is just a dog....
She let me pet her. She waited for me to come home. She dealt with foster dogs and permanent dogs. She kissed my face in the morning.
But she is just a dog.
She left my home with me. She forced me to function. She taught me to love outside myself.
But she is just a dog.
I switched jobs and homes. I fell in and out of love (like). I cried myself to sleep and she laid with me.
But she is just a dog.
I fell in love for keeps. She fell in love too (well accepted it). She comforted me through fears of rejection.
But she is just a dog.
Her walk became forced. Her skin began to flake. Her breathing became labored.
But she is just a dog.
I lost a loved one. I lost a baby. I cried with my husband with her head on my lap.
But she is just a dog.
I lay down and rest my busy head and she lays next to me. She grunts and she sighs. She feels my pain as I feel hers.
She isn't just a dog. She is my heart, my teacher, my child and my love.
But you say she is just a dog.
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