That darned kitten...

I have never understood why I like animals more than people. Note I did not say "love" but I defintely like animals more.

That being said, I am not a cat person. I can pick up a pet rat or iguana without flinching, but cats, well lets just say they have never been my favorite. In fact I can remember saying not too long ago "I don't hate cats, for instance I wouldn't run one over with my car."

I mean lets face it. I have danced with, ridden and kissed dolphins. I got to "speak" to a Manatee years and years ago. I have had a constant dog companion since my first dog Buster (who was around WAY before me). I have had a Parakeet named Tweety that not only sang but also talked. Tweety's favorite line was "Cindy is a bad girl, baaadd girl," shrieked to my poodle Cinderella at the time who would (upon hearing those words) growl snap and try to attack the bird through it's cage.

But, a cat? Those aloof creatures who stare at humans in a way that I stare at 20-year-old drunk girls? Not my thing. I can get guarded disdain from humans, I do not need to take an animal into my life, home and heart and get a purr for a thank you. Once again, not my thing.

That all changed one overcast September day. It was about two months before that my husband and I decided that my dog (trust me she is my dog) Carlie would never learn to love another canine friend. We had tried to introduce her to rescues and walk her through those grand dog supermarkets, but my loving mutt would just snarl and show her teeth. My "baby-fail" body had me distressed and we thought another dog would do the trick. Carlie had grown up with other dogs, but at 11 1/2 she was long passed loving canines. So, my husband and I decided to just be thankful for our little family as frail as it was.

But that day, that damned gray day, a kitten came into my life. We found her outside of work. Shivering and shaking in the rain. She was the size of my hand. I rolled my eyes at the "kitten rescue" but some where inside me I knew to grab our promotional golf towels and that the warmth would stop her from hissing and clawing. That being said. I never meant to bring her home.

But holding her in those first few moments, I knew I was sunk. Her heartbeat calmed in my arms. Her big alien eyes locked onto mine in the way only an animal lover can understand. Eyes that scream "I choose you" without making a sound.

I lied to my husband and said we would only have her until she found a home. But, he knew as I did ~ this alien kitten already had one. At only a few ounces, my favorite pictures of her are in my former football player/ Coastguard husband's arms. By week two we (including the dog) were all in love with her.

So Miss "Daisy; Daisy BeJulJay; Daisy Doodle; Doodle Bug; Crackhead Kitten; Skidabeep; or as we all know her "the Doodles" has adjusted well. She is "fixed" and weighs seven pounds. She has none of the cat diseases I feared. Miss Doodles also follows me from room to room. Meows when she wants my affection and refuses to walk down the steps (why walk when you have a mommy like me who wants to carry you). Oh, and those looks of disdain are saved for strangers, because she never shows them around our little fragile family ~ she fits right in.

As an afterthought, I begged God for a child the night before Daisy came home. Now I do believe God always answers our prayers, just not in the way we expect.

And P.S. I think I think actually love animals more than people :)

Life, Stress, a Destination Wedding and the Foo Fighters....

Have you ever wonder how you got where you are? Where the hell the time went? Oh, and most importantly is there enough time left to do what you really want to do?

I mean seriously Fuck has become my favorite word. I live a life much like Ground Hog's Day. Alarm goes off. I hit snooze. One hit on a workout day and many hits on a "Please dear universe let me hit the lottery" day. Once I pull myself from the sliver of a bed where I sleep (Have you ever tried sleeping with a 6'2" 220 lb plus man? I am lucky to have a sliver.)and my feet hit the ground the real world comes at me screaming like a brigade of bitches on the rag.

Before my eyes are even fully opened the dog is whining to get pet, walked or just because she needs "mommy time" at 11 1/2 years old she is more demanding then she was as a puppy. My husband (still sleeping) is muttering off a to do list and my hands are reaching for my Blackberry to see which client is going to die because their Internet didn't work at 3 AM. DAMN WORLD ~ I JUST NEED A SHOWER AND SOME COFFEE!

Once all demands are met and I am showered and somewhat presentable (most likely with no coffee yet- just a hit of left over Pepsi from a party months before) I begin my daily sludge to work. Brightened mostly by the Foo Fighters (or on other days The Beatles (White Album only), Live, Verve Pipe or some random rock band's greatest hits CD) I sit in traffic that anyone in New Jersey has come to know.. the only State in the union where a 20 minute drive takes 90 minutes... due mostly to the fact that no one in Jersey knows how to drive.

When I finally get to work (free coffee YAY) I begin a day of getting my self-esteem trampled. Clients call to say how my company sucks. Bosses (no matter how high my numbers and they have been HIGH this year) complain about my numbers and my co-workers and I complain about our jobs. Actually, I love my co-workers without them I would be a crazy cat (dog) lady by now. This goes on and on either at my desk or on the road until 5,6, and one time on a FRIDAY 10 pm. Then it is off to the gym or home on a good day or happy hour with the beloved co-workers or happy hour at home on a "Dear Universe please let me hit the lottery" day.

That is just the "life" part of my life. The stress comes from job (see above), aging parents, three mortgages, an aging dog, and fertility treatments that leave me feeling slightly abused EVERY SINGLE TIME. I could go on but my hands are tingling (must see heart doctor) and my chest just tightened.

Then as life seems to do, even in the most mundane hours, happy events creep in. A good friend falls in love and gets engaged. Another friend gets pregnant. A sweet co-worker falls for a terrific guy. My husband tells me I am beautiful after I cleaned the house with my glasses on (I either think you are blind or the greatest guy ever...results still pending). Then sometimes there are things that make life and stress roll away. I will always count my "girls night" as one of these but in November I have two AWESOME events.

Event number 1. Two very cool friends getting married in Jamaica!!!!!!! Not only do we get to go and see them and their coolness.. we get to hang with my BF and her husband and a select other totally cool people. Going to paradise with friends to see friends get married???????? I seriously may explode from the joy. Not to mention my handsome honey with at tan??? Well a deeper shade of pink anyway, HOT! I have a countdown going on. Seriously. I NEED THIS! Plus I have a soft spot for these two. I would say I love them, but that would give them a big head..so lets just say "I am so happy for you two super cool people"!

Then just two days after our return, just two days... I see the Foo Fighters live. For 17 years I have wanted to see Dave Grohl in his rock god state and it is happening!!!! YES, the band that has gotten me through almost every morning of my life (not to mention "Times Like These" which may have single handily got me through the end of my first marriage). I am in Foo Fighters obsession mode right now. Watching their documentary non-stop and prancing around in my Dave Grohl shirt. Do I sound like I am sixteen? Probably, but did you read a description of my life above???

OK, I am not all that shallow. A few days ago I woke up on the couch with my geriatric dog's paw around my neck. "Hey girl," I said. Her reply a small lick on the cheek and a growl of contentment. Sometimes it is the small moments combined with the large that make this stupid life worth living.

Who deserves to be a mommy?

Another baby gone. Thankfully I did not know I was pregnant this time.

So I have a question? Who deserves to be a mommy? I love my Godson without hesitation and without pretense. I love my beautiful niece beyond explanation and reason. Yet, I cannot hold onto a pregnancy to save my life.

I have had contractions with no baby to hold afterwards. I have seen my husband cry in pain, but still no child to call his own. My breasts are so damned big they are ridiculous- amazing how every part of my body shrinks back unless it is my face, boobs and belly.

Why not me? Why not my best, wonderful and loving friend.. who can't get pregnant. Why these people who don't even seem to like their kids?????

I am great at my job. I have a husband that is ridicously perfect. My friends and family.. while extended and disfunctional-- are amazing. Why can I not do the one thing women were put on this earth to do?

So I play mommy with my dog and all the wonderful people I am blessed to know. Yet, my body longs for a baby to love. A baby to cuddle and protect.

So once again... I am trying to figure it all out. But, I leave with one question. If I am strong enough to have a miscarriage through a meeting and still keep presenting... Aren't I strong enough to actually have a baby?????

Friends

I have different groups of friends. But, sometimes I have the friends who count. They do not judge. They do not cast blame. Much like my husband - they love me as is.

I know people look at me and think I have a ton of friends - I do not. I have a lot of people I like. In reality, I like everyone. I wish I was as tough as I act, but I am not. I see good in everyone. Lucky for me I am also very aware of the traits that create a good friend. I would like to say I figured this all out on my own, but I have not... my friends have taught me. So here are the guidelines (12 rules)of being a wonderful friend. Thank you girls (and guys) you know who you are...

1)Never judge... just be with each other when bad decisions show their ugly head.
2)Be happy when your friend is happy... it should come pretty easy.
3)Be sad when your friend is sad.
4)Laugh a lot. Cry a little and be ready to pull out a pistol in defense!
5) Never say ANYTHING behind a freind's back- that you would not say to their face.
6) Share each other... you make more friends that way ;)
7) Love your friends weaknesses as much as their strengths... if not they would not be them.
8) Love the men (women) in their life- no matter how hard it is to do so!
9) Realize they will not react to any given situation the way you do - it is what makes them - them and you - you.
10) Abolish the word SELFISH from your dictionary.
11) Don't be jealous - it is needy and ugly
12) Live, laugh and love...............

Because you don't have children..

I am in rant mode again. I am really sick of the women who think they should be canonized because they have children. This in NO WAY is a bad reflection on all the wonderful mommies that I know. Rather, a rant against the women who think by rite of a birth or five that they are somehow better than the single women, partnered women and married women who do not have, cannot have or simply choose not to have children.

There are many women like me out there. I am married for the second time, work mad,long hours and yet still find time to take care of my home, my husband and my wonder mutt. I cook from scratch. I enjoy long workouts. I volunteer and pay my taxes. Yet, somehow these "madonnas" feel that I live in some sort of extended adolescence because I do not, as of yet, have a child.

Well, I also have not been dependent on a man since my father. I have owned three (soon to be four) homes which came from little else than my hard work and savings. I have gone on vacations, done home repairs, paid for a second wedding (and honeymoon), and bought the clothes on my own back ALL ON MY OWN. But my life is somehow easier because "I don't have children."

I do not contend that children are easy and I do know from those loving mommies around me that it is indeed a job, but before the mommy mafia comes after me- it also a great privilege, but to hear some women speak, and in many cases the same women who's husbands pay for their mortgage and car, they are a step behind Mother Teresa because of how hard it is to have children.

It is funny to me because I have seen a single mother (God Bless you all) work her hands to the bone and raise a wonderful child with a silent determination that shows me I am not half the woman that she is. I saw a divorced mother slowly introduce her
children to the new man in her life and marveled at her integrity and deep concern she had for her children's well being. I have seen my cousin everyday work hours much like mine yet still have so much energy and love for her son, but have little to no time for herself. I saw a childhood friend balance work and family around her son's battle with cancer. Which, in my opinion, catapults her from a wonderful mother to hero status. Yet, none of these women or any of my beautiful mommy friends have ever demeaned me or looked down upon me as being anything less than them because of my childless status.

Yes, many of the women previously mentioned do realize that this is not my choice, but they are so busy being good mothers that I do not think that makes a difference. They do not view motherhood as an entrance into a secret sorority, rather they look at is as a blessing.

And what if it is a choice? What if some women do not see themselves as maternal or lead lives/ have careers that are not conducive to having children. Should they not be applauded for living independent lives? I mean lets face it we all know women (not to mention seen women on the news) who SHOULD NOT have ever had a child. Are they somehow better than the childless women in this world? I have been a strong single woman and continue to be a strong married woman who would rather live on crackers than ask my husband to loan me twenty dollars. Does this make me weak?

So the next time these "type" of mothers sit themselves down in their husband's chair
in their husband's home and feel the need to vent to another of their own pod
about how women like me have the life-- I ask instead that they have a moment of mercy and send their cleaning lady my way - my chapped, tired and very independent hands could use a break!

Just a dog...

From the moment her big sad eyes met mine - I could think of nothing else, but taking her home with me. She was a medium sized mutt. She had matted hair. I could feel her ribs when I pet her, but somehow I knew she belonged to me and I belonged to her.

But she is just a dog...

I suffered through her running away from home the first night (her emancipated frame fit right through my ornate fence); She destroyed three luxorious comforters; she managed to eat just one of each pair of my expensive shoes.

But she is just a dog....

She shrunk from my touch. She would not eat until I left the room. She growled and twitched and cried in her sleep.

But she is just a dog....

She let me pet her. She waited for me to come home. She dealt with foster dogs and permanent dogs. She kissed my face in the morning.

But she is just a dog.

She left my home with me. She forced me to function. She taught me to love outside myself.

But she is just a dog.

I switched jobs and homes. I fell in and out of love (like). I cried myself to sleep and she laid with me.

But she is just a dog.

I fell in love for keeps. She fell in love too (well accepted it). She comforted me through fears of rejection.

But she is just a dog.

Her walk became forced. Her skin began to flake. Her breathing became labored.

But she is just a dog.

I lost a loved one. I lost a baby. I cried with my husband with her head on my lap.

But she is just a dog.

I lay down and rest my busy head and she lays next to me. She grunts and she sighs. She feels my pain as I feel hers.

She isn't just a dog. She is my heart, my teacher, my child and my love.

But you say she is just a dog.

Not political- just pissed

I woke up this morning and realized that I no longer have faith in our president or our country’s leaders.
They have simply taken a shortcut one too many times.

When the automobile industry was in trouble- they gave people money for useless cars. When the real estate market was in trouble, they gave first time buyers a huge tax credit. When the banks were in trouble- they bailed them out and allowed them to send their executives on vacation. Sorry I couldn’t resist that last one.

None of our problems are solved. In fact we are looking at a double dip recession. Just take a look at the real estate market which seemed to have bounced back in 2010 is now seeing a 12% dip in the purchase of new homes. In fact, the real estate market never recovered. It simply showed an increase in the spring due to the first time buyer tax credit. These were not “real” numbers and those of us with homes to sell (ME!) are feeling the pain of a country pulverized by economic uncertainty.

I have always been a “rally around the president” type of girl. I love this country. I love it down to the freedom and pride that our flag represents. I love being able to sprout complaints about the good ole U.S. without the fear of being shot. Yet, this time I cannot seem to muster the patriotism needed to back Obama.

To me, Obama has acted like a kid in college who uses cliff notes and encouraged us to do the same. Yes it solves an immediate problem and we may even pass the test. But what have we learned? Even more important – how have we prepared ourselves for the future final?

I fear that this country’s economic reforms may have added to the dissolution of the middle class. The rich will remain rich and the middle class will see their paychecks lower and lower as we provide healthcare and other financial gains to those less fortunate. The heart of America- the blue collar worker, the suburban family, and the stay at home mom- are in danger of moving closer and closer to the poverty line. It is creating a bold line between the poor and the rich with no hopeful area in between. Think it cannot happen? Obama’s administration is leading with an attitude drenched in socialism. Look at the fall of the USSR and its effect on modern day Russia. How well did socialism work for them? EVEN if this leadership only goes as far as to create a two class society- think of England and how if you are born of a certain class you most likely will never escape it. America was founded on free enterprise and the right for each man (or woman) to create his (her) own destiny. I feel these opportunities slipping through my fingers as I become bogged down in an economy that beats down the hardest on the middle class.

My father used to go on tirades about the disappearing middle class and I would roll my eyes. See I never saw it happen as quickly as I have these past two years. Now I think my dad is a genius who saw something in the not too distant future that none of us could have predicted.

I understand economies are cyclical and no one can really control economic growth or recession. Yet, I cannot excuse the frat boy attitude of throwing money at a problem in hopes that it will go away. What did Cash for Clunkers, First Time Buyers Rebate and the Bank Bailout really do to help this country? They simply boasted temporary alliances with Wall Street and the American consumer. Do you know what I expect from my country’s leadership? Hold banks responsible for irresponsible lending and investing. Address healthcare corporations and their escalating costs. Encourage the automobile industry to build safer, cheaper cars so Americans will renew their loyalty to the American brand. Limit free trade to the point that it does not cripple the U.S. Service industries as we continue to outsource more and more jobs to foreign countries. THAT IS WHAT I EXPECT FROM MY COUNTRY!

Really, have we become so politically correct that we have forgotten how to feel outrage?

In closing, I voted for Obama. I saw his radical thinking and charisma as the answer for my generation’s prayer of a JFK (I have long given up on a new “Ronald Reagan” because political differences aside- I think we can all admit that Ronny rocked the Casbah.) His administration excited me. He in himself gave me a reason to think this man may really care and make a difference. The Sarah Palin came along as a possible vice president and that pretty much launched me to the Democratic Party. When you would rather see Tina Fey run for Vice President then the woman she is mimicking there is a problem. Do I have buyer’s remorse? Yes I do. But in all honesty would any administration make any difference?

I could go on and talk about the war in Iraq or the dedication of a Mosque on September 11th, but I fear I would die on the spot of a heart attack. I said to a close friend that if we do not evolve we will become extinct. I still believe that. So where is that leader who will take us there? Help ALL CLASSES evolve while rebuilding this country on the success stories that make the United States unique. To steal a line from the movie the American President, “People want leadership, Mr. President, and in the absence of genuine leadership, they'll listen to anyone who steps up to the microphone. They want leadership. They're so thirsty for it they'll crawl through the desert toward a mirage, and when they discover there's no water, they'll drink the sand.”

Mr. President please LEAD no matter how hard or tough the direction. If you would rather take the shortcut then please step aside.